Death by Gaslight: The ever present narcissist.Trigger warning: s**f h**m, S***ide.
Ok, It’s funny, but…
… In a domestic setting, gaslighting and coercive control are now illegal in the United Kingdom, with the potential for a 5 year custodial sentence!
And so it should be.
In the workplace, to my knowledge it is only covered by the Equality Act and existing harassment legislation, which excludes many from protection, all the while it is rife in the hospitality industry. Bullying is awful, and high jinx is one thing, but gaslighting and coercive control are something else entirely.
They kill people!
No, that is not hyperbole…
Deliberately distorting another soul’s reality, and defaming behind their back, turning others against them in the process? NO!
Just… no…
Please, make it stop.
It would be difficult to implement specific anti bullying law, that much I understand. It would be futile to try to differentiate between what one may see as bullying, and another sees as trying to save a sinking service. It is a high pressure time in an already hectic environment and tempers flare. If a thorough bollocking at high volume is all that stands between serious injury, or the very real potential for the death of an innocent guest, then in the heat of the moment it will most certainly be administered by many a respected professional and backed up by their peers.
But gaslighting?
I would rather have my legs broken, than experience this again. That may sound drastic, but my legs would have healed in a matter of months. A destroyed mind can take years to return to normality, if it is ever the same again at all.
When I say it kills people, that is no exaggeration either. Alcoholism, drug use, mental health issues, and indeed suicide are constant risks to those just wishing to cook their best food, and host an amazing night’s meal while they huddle around the pot wash shovelling leftovers into their famished faces at the end of an exhausting service. It does not need to be exacerbated further by questioning the very reality in which you dwell.
Gaslighting kills, as surely as if you had pushed them off the ledge yourself. It is that simple.
Don’t just copy and paste the latest “someone is always listening” iteration… Those that do more often than not aren’t really listening as their lip service would suggest. Faux Philanthropy, if you will. I have seen it first hand on many occasions, and it is heart-breaking to be brutally honest.
Live it. Keep your eyes open. Be aware that if someone is the funniest person in the kitchen, they may be desperately trying to see a smile, so perhaps they can crack one themselves. If that which you hear spoken of another does not match up with what you know of them, please speak up! I know it is not easy, but you could be their only lifeline.
Being called a liar by someone who is lying to your face is soul destroying, I beg you to step in if you see it happening. Do not be afraid, if you are in the right, you are on solid ground. You may save a life in the process, in a very real sense.
We should be encouraging a meritocracy, not a fucking popularity contest!
A good friend I worked with over 5 years ago recently said to me that they could not understand why I had received so much grief, both to my face, and worse behind my back. It did not match up with his experiences of me. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for at least acknowledging this, and let them know that it had not just been me, he himself had been the unaware recipient of derogatory words in his absence. I asked them as kindly as I could to just keep their eyes open for it in the future.
I don’t think they realised how desperate it had become, with a manager turning the majority of the workforce and even head office against me with a constant torrent of deceit, belittling, and outright unwarranted hatred towards me. My brain functions differently on a fundamental level to the majority of people. I cannot help it, it is not wrong as often suggested, it is just atypical. No one deserves to be hounded for this, particularly as it is invariably a beneficial way of thinking, particularly if supported rather than suppressed, or further, ridiculed.
Many could not care less about football, or the usual toxic masculinity that is prevalent. Don’t exclude or manipulate others against them. They are likely the thoughtful ones that are actually solving the issues of the day, while the remainder contemplates how hammered they are going to get at the match if they can wangle Saturday off!
The only upside I can see is that it does become easier to identify liars. The vast majority of the time it is they that are the first to holler “Liar!”
Simple projection, we see the world and those within as our own experience. Bullshit is their go to response, and as such believe all others act this way. Wholly oblivious to the damage being done, unable to conceptualise that their simple voice can stop someone from brushing their teeth, or even showering, let alone cause death.
Gaslighting is not just distasteful, it is abhorrent!
It is deadly!
The practise has to stop.
I have 2 rules that I have followed for over 15 years now. They have served me well.
Do not lie, and say everything with an absence of malice.
My initial shunning of lies did not come from a pious place, instead in an attempt to simplify my life in a time of strife. Put simply, there is little to remember when you don’t have to factor in which specific pile of bollocks you implemented at any given time.
You know instantly, because you were there, and the memory is as it happened.
The task of sifting through works of fiction is removed in its entirety.
An uncomfortable truth is by far better than a comfy lie. Give me the former any day… you can deal with that and know you are barking up the right tree, whereas all hell can break loose if you are on one path and have to change tack due to being mislead!.
As for the absence of malice?
You’d be surprised with what you can say if it always stems from a good place.
The one caveat to lying is if I am performing magic or comedy, and have cards or coins in play. You don’t let the truth get in the way of a good yarn as the adage goes, but the absence of malice always remains.
Anger will be an ever present danger in high pressure industries, due to their very nature, but there is no excuse or place for bullshit and manipulation.
Even this very post has been delayed due to distributed diatribe against myself. This is the first time I have been able to address anything to do with Binary Burp for nearly 5 years due to what I believe has been coercive control and gaslighting that continues to this day! I have been held up both mentally, and logistically. I cannot expand further on why at this time, due to addressing matters via the court systems. I would like to one day, goodness knows I need to for my sanity, however, for now I am legally bound not to. I think. I have PTSD. A known “treatment” is to talk it out, yet I do not know what I can say, and what I cannot. So once more it is bottled up, eating my brain and soul, sprinkled with the remnants of my sanity.
Fuck stigma!
Your mental health is as important as that of a physical nature. Speak up if you need to, seeking help if necessary. Not all are against you. There is a way out. I will shine the light personally if all else fails.
I love you, chef x
Or whoever you are, with whatever you face x
Be well, take care of yourself, and those around you.
XXX
